"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
