I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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