Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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