He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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