So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
