its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
