Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
