I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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