the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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