I think I won the penis lottery.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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