those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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