oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
