...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
