Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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