Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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