Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
