dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
