Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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