Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
