I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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