I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
