Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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