1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
