have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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