He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
