Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
