chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
