I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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