I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
