you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
