I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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