FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
