when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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