You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
