So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
