so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
