Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
