I wish my penis had an off switch
she woke up with a sticky ear
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
