just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
