Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
