its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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