I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
