need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
