i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize