WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
