if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
PANTIES FOUND
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