Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i drank out of a bidet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
