I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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