So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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