Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
