fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I deserve this hangover.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
