The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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