i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
