Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
