can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
