I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Small penises have feelings too.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
