I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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