Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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