OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
