Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
