my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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