broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
