What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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