How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
