Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
