this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
