Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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