The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
